Top 50 Ted Lasso Quotes

My wife and I finally got into Ted Lasso and have binged it over the last month. And, it is hilarious! The Ted Lass quotes are abundant and all the characters are equally as funny.

The hit TV show follows the journey of an American football (think New England Patriots) coach who takes on the challenge of managing a Premier League soccer team in the U.K. called AFC Richmond (not a real team btw).

Despite not knowing much about the sport of soccer, Ted Lasso brings his unique brand of positivity, humor and unique management style to the team.

One of the standout features of Ted Lasso is the incredible writing, which is full of hilarious one-liners and heartwarming quotes.

Here are 50 Ted Lasso quotes that will leave you crying for more!

These are pretty interchangeable with your favorite Dad jokes 😉

Top 50 Ted Lasso Quotes (Inspirational & Funny)

“Football is life!” – Dani Rojas (although not Ted Lasso’s quote, I feel like I needed to start off with this one)
“You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. Y’know why? It’s got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish.” – Ted Lasso
“I always figured that tea was just gonna taste like hot brown water. And you know what? I was right.” – Ted Lasso
“Be honest with me. It’s a prank, right? The tea? Like when us tourist folks aren’t around, y’all know it tastes like garbage? You don’t love it. It’s pigeon sweat.” – Ted Lasso
“Well, as my doctor told me when I got addicted to fettuccine Alfredo, that’s a little rich for my blood.” – Ted Lasso
“If I didn’t have any confidence, I never would’ve worn pajamas to my prom and ended up in jail the rest of that night.” – Ted Lasso
“You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don’t wanna hear it. All right?” – Ted Lasso
“I think one of the neatest things about being a coach is the connection you get to make with your players. That’s a loss that hits me a lot harder and is gonna stay with me a lot longer than anything that happens while playing a game on a patch of grass.” – Ted Lasso
“I’m gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain’t easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.” – Ted Lasso (on the offside rule)
“I do love a locker room. It smells like potential.” – Ted Lasso
“Guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school, and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman, and it was painted on the wall there. It said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ I like that.” – Ted Lasso
“This woman is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell you, I’d hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off of it, either.” – Ted Lasso
“She’s got some fences, alright, but you just gotta hop over ’em.” – Ted Lasso
“Little tip for y’all. Fries are called chips. Chips are called crisps. And bangers aren’t great songs, but they do make you feel like dancing because they’re so darn tasty.” – Ted Lasso
“You could fill two internets with what I don’t know about football.” – Ted Lasso
“I feel like we fell out of a lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids.” – Ted Lasso
“You got Ronaldo and the fellow who bends it like himself.” – Ted Lasso
“For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.” – Ted Lasso
“Here’s an idea that’s gonna help a little or hurt a whole lot. Who needs a drink?” – Ted Lasso
“You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half. And when it comes to locker rooms, I like ’em just like my mother’s bathing suits. I only wanna see ’em in one piece, you hear?” – Ted Lasso
“Old people are so wise. They’re like tall Yodas.” – Jamie Tartt
“I promise you there is something worse out there than being sad, and that’s being alone and being sad.” – Ted Lasso
“I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth. Flat.” – Ted Lasso
“I’ve never met someone who doesn’t eat sugar. Only heard about ’em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.” – Ted Lasso
“All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain’t warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.” – Ted Lasso
“Does my face look like it’s in the mood for shape-based jokes?” – Roy Kent
“The idea behind every trick play is to have chaos rain down upon your opponents and stun them. Much like the lava did to those poor folks in Pompeii.” – Ted Lasso
“There’s two buttons I never like to hit, alright? And that’s ‘panic’ and ‘snooze.'” – Ted Lasso
“You should do a TED Talk, ’cause right now you’re getting a whole heap of ‘Ted listen.'” – Ted Lasso
“I came here tonight, because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life coaching with somebody, you want the rest of your life to begin asap.” – Ted Lasso
“Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn’t it? If you’re comfortable while you’re doing it, you’re probably doing it wrong.” – Ted Lasso
“I don’t drink coffee. My mother always says I was born caffeinated.” – Dani Rojas
“I know change can be scary. One minute, you are playing freeze tag out there at recess with all your buddies. Next thing you know, you’re getting zits, your voice gets low. And every time your art teacher, Ms. Scanlon, leans over your desk to check and see how your project’s going, you feel all squiggly inside.” – Ted Lasso
“Back where I’m from, you try to end a game in a tie; well, that might as well be the first sign of the apocalypse.” – Ted Lasso
“Coach Beard’s views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak. You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one — it loses its flavor.” – Ted Lasso
“For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.” – Ted Lasso
“You say impossible, but all I hear is ‘I’m possible.’” – Ted Lasso
“That’s a special young man right there. Got talent for days, works hard, and he’s got a jawline like the White Cliffs of Dover. I’m always rootin’ for him.” – Ted Lasso
“I think I literally have a better understanding of who killed Kennedy than what is offside… It was the mob.” – Ted Lasso
“Early drinkin’ means quick drunken.” – Ted Lasso
“You’re telling me I could shatter every bone in my body, someone could just drop me off in front of any old hospital, dumped into a garbage can or something, and y’all patch me up, and I don’t have to pay jack squat? I tell you; I love this country.” – Ted Lasso
“Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson, on a high.” – Ted Lasso
“Living in the moment, it’s a gift. That’s why they call it the present.” – Ted Lasso
“How many countries are in this country?” – Ted Lasso
“In my mind, you gotta have three things to be a Premier League team. One, you gotta play physical, two, you gotta give 100 percent until the final whistle, and three, you gotta be sponsored by a Middle-Eastern airline.” – Ted Lasso
“Even Woody and Buzz got under each other’s plastic.” – Ted Lasso
“A palace made out of crystal seems mighty fragile to me.” – Ted Lasso
“I’m sort of famous for being almost famous.” – Ted Lasso
“If God would have wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn’t have invented numbers.” – Ted Lasso
“Because he’s the one, coach. If we’re gonna make an impact here, the first domino needs to fall right inside of that man’s heart.” – Ted Lasso